Life; the grand, the good, and the unbelievable

Owning A Canadian

On her radio show recently, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant

Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and

cannot be condoned under any circumstances!

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a U.S. Man,

and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have

learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as

many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,

for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be

an abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s

Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,

provided they are from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this

applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own

Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period

of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I

have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing

odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the

odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2

clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him

myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination,

Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can

you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a

defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision

have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around

their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How

should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me

unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops

in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different

kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme

a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the

whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with

people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable

expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for

reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,

Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education

University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.

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